


Lost in Translation

by Djapchan, silkylustre, themerrygentleman



Category: Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect 2 - Fandom, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Case Fic, Competence in unexpected places, Crackfic-adjacent, Everyone is scrambling to fix things while making funny noises, F/F, Gen, Humor, Miranda is sweating internally, Podfic & Podficced Works, Podfic Length: 1-1.5 Hours, Translator mishaps
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-03
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,752
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26070199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Djapchan/pseuds/Djapchan, https://archiveofourown.org/users/silkylustre/pseuds/silkylustre, https://archiveofourown.org/users/themerrygentleman/pseuds/themerrygentleman
Summary: When the Normandy SR-2's translators are taken down in an act of enemy sabotage, the crew has only hours left to fix the problem and repel an incoming attack - all without being able to understand a word of each other's languages. That is, if Miranda can keep them all from killing each other first. Set during ME 2.
Relationships: Jack | Subject Zero/Miranda Lawson
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36
Collections: Pod_Together 2020





	Lost in Translation

**Author's Note:**

> Shout-out and a big "Thank You!" to [**Mangacat**](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mangacat/pseuds/Mangacat), who provided us with the character names in the podfic - quickly and on short notice!

**Listen to or download** this multivoice podfic [here](http://pod-together.parakaproductions.com/2020/ME_Lost%20in%20Translation.mp3)

 **Or listen to or download here** this multivoice podfic on [Google](https://drive.google.com/file/d/17SrzbkPyhIe4UvIWbxhMI5vjnIIgQIMO/view?usp=sharing)

 **Download** this multivoice podfic via [mediafire](http://www.mediafire.com/file/71ymen71fc0py6c/ME_Lost_in_Translation.mp3/file)

...

_Loading. Please wait._

“Come on, EDI, I need a report. What’s your status?”

_Enhanced Defense Intelligence VI interface was not shut down correctly. Some functionality may be offline._

“Run a diagnostic, then.”

“You sure you need to put her through all this right now?”

“Quiet, Joker.”

_Life support functional. Normandy SR-2 baseline systems functional. Drive core offline. Realtime CQB analysis suite offline. Galactic translator offline--_

“Just saying, we already know she got scrambled. If I woke up with the mother of all hangovers, I wouldn’t like it if somebody made me stand around listing what all my functions are--”

“Listen, do I tell you how to fly the ship?”

“Um, yeah, Miranda, you do. Constantly.”

“Damn right I do, because Shepard notwithstanding, I’m in charge here. So you don’t get to tell me how to do _my_ job.”

“Fine, fine. Let’s just get this over with.”

“EDI, that last thing. The galactic translator failure. Show me security camera footage from all decks, starting from the moment the translator went down this morning.”

_Warning: some memory files may be corrupted._

“Show me what you can, then. I still have a report to make, and that means sooner or later we’re going to have to make sense of this mess.”

_As you wish, XO Lawson. Retrieving files now…_

* * *

_FILE ONE_

_SSV Normandy SR-2_

_Research Laboratory, 0830 hours_

_[Mordin Solus can be seen at his workstation, humming to himself while manipulating data on his Omni-Tool. Commander Shepard enters from the CIC.]_

SHEPARD: Morning, Professor. How’s that antidote project coming along?

MORDIN: [ _GALACTIC TRANSLATOR OFFLINE - SUR’KESHI UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

SHEPARD: Whoa, whoa, hold up. Mordin, I can’t understand you. More than usual, I mean.

MORDIN: Hm. Shepard? [ _SUR’KESHI UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

SHEPARD: Dammit. Looks like the translator’s down. 

MORDIN: ...Ah.

SHEPARD: Oh, that’s just typical. Miranda talks my ear off about all the ultra-modern upgrades the SR-2 has, how she’s _so_ much better than the first Normandy, and then we get three weeks into our mission and _this_ happens. 

[ _pause_.]

Mordin, you’ve had a pretty colorful career, to hear you tell it. I don’t suppose you’ve picked up any Terran languages somewhere along the way, have you? You know, Earth-Human?

MORDIN: Hmm. [ _singing_ ] _My xenoscience studies range from urban to agrarian, I am the very model of a scientist salarian…_

[ _pause._ ]

_See thou character. Give thy thoughts no tongue,_

_Nor any unproportioned thought his act._

_Be thou familiar, but by no means vulgar._

_Those friends thou hast, and their adoption tried,_

_Grapple them to thy soul with hoops of steel;_

_But do not dull thy palm with entertainment_

_Of each new-hatch'd, unfledged comrade._

[ _pause; sighs._ ]

Shakespeare...Gilbert and Sullivan. Not...much more.

SHEPARD: Oh, terrific. EDI?

EDI: _Enhanced Defense Intelligence is experiencing difficulties. Please try again later._

SHEPARD: Fuck.

MORDIN: Hm, yes. Fuck. 

_Mordin pauses, and holds up a hand._

...Ah. Hold on.

_Mordin activates a vidscreen from his Omni-Tool._

VI: [ _Recording begins._ ]

MORDIN (on recording, sounding out Terran English from an onscreen text): “Commander Shepard. Strange to be speaking human language directly for once. Am making this recording in case of unexpected translator failure. Perhaps not entirely unexpected, in fact - suspect it as a likely fracture point. Normandy crew exhibits an uncommon level of interspecies cooperation, particularly for isolationist human-centric organization like Cerberus. Higher-than-normal levels of stress to xenolinguistics VI programs inevitable. Additionally, translation matrix presents likely vector for sabotage. Implications…problematic.”

SHEPARD: Sabotage - you’re saying this could have been deliberate. So who’s after us?

VI: [ _Recording paused._ ]

MORDIN: a-HEM.

SHEPARD: Um, sorry. Carry on.

VI: [ _Recording resumes._ ]

MORDIN (ON RECORDING): “Happy to assist repairing or reprogramming translation matrix as necessary, of course. But process likely to be difficult, time-consuming. Am a specialist in genetics and xenobiology, not linguistics or anthropology - pity Dr. T’Soni not aboard. Will do what I can. Meantime, however, crew cooperation and morale likely to be significantly compromised by communication barriers.”

SHEPARD: You’re saying this is going to drive everyone nuts. Can’t say I disagree with your theory.

MORDIN (ON RECORDING): “Suggest relying on pictograms or nonverbal signals where spoken communication impossible. But proceed with caution. Potential for cultural misunderstandings...high. Common gesture of greeting among drell considered highly obscene among turians, for instance. Would prefer not to have firefights break out while trying to repair VI algorithms. Wish us both luck, Shepard. Until we can speak properly again, suspect we’re going to need it.”

VI: [ _Recording ends._ ]

MORDIN: Any questions?

SHEPARD: Of course you know how to say _that._ [ _sighs_ ] No. I mean, yeah, lots, but nothing you can answer with recordings and show tunes. Listen, meet me in the communications room in ten - oh come on, I’m pointing and holding up ten fingers, you have a doctorate, you can figure that one out.

MORDIN: [ _Ahem_ ] Yes.

SHEPARD: I’ll go round up the others. Until everything’s back online, it looks like we’re stuck doing this the hard way.

* * *

_No further activity in the laboratory prior to briefing. Switching to deck two camera feeds…_

“That’s all right, EDI. Forward the rest to the terminal in my office, I’ll review them there.”

“Come on, really? I know keeping secrets is kind of your whole thing, but we’re _all_ in deep shit right about now. You’re really not going to share with the rest of the class?”

“I reserve the right to classify _any_ information when I deem it necessary for the success of the mission, Joker, you know that. Or I can get EDI to pull up the terms of the contract you signed, if you need a refresher course.”

“Translator might be down, but I’m still plenty fluent in corporate-ese. Message received, loud and clear. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be up here, flying the ship, keeping our asses out of the fire. And my nose out of your _very_ important classified intel, Executive Officer Lawson.”

“That’s what I like to hear, Flight Lieutenant Moreau.”

* * *

[ _The sound of footsteps. A door seals and locks._ ]

“All right, EDI, you might as well go ahead and play it.”

_Are you certain, XO Lawson? You seem hesitant._

“Not in any particular hurry to revisit this memory, no. But I suppose I’m not likely to get anywhere without confronting my part in this fiasco. Play it - and yes, go ahead and override the privacy filters, I don’t give a damn. I already lived through it once.”

* * *

_FILE TWO_

_SSV Normandy SR-2_

_Miranda Lawson’s office, 0830 hours_

_A rustling of bedsheets._

JACK: Heh. Rise and shine, Cheerleader. Didn’t think you usually slept in this late. Guess I’m rubbing off on you. So to speak.

MIRANDA: Wha--oh, God. Not again.

JACK: Hey, don’t you give me that shit, Princess. You made these choices of your own free will, and now you gotta live with ‘em.

MIRANDA: My own free will and a _whole_ bottle of Ryncol.

JACK: Hey, the way I remember it, you didn’t have any complaints last night.

MIRANDA: See, this is exactly why this was a mistake. Why do you _always_ have to be so exhausting?

JACK: Not like you’re exactly the leading expert on pillow talk yourself, Princess--

[ _A loud roaring, untranslatable, from outside the office, accompanied by heavy footsteps.]_  
MIRANDA: Bloody hell, what was _that?_

JACK: Heh. Sounds like Grunt. You never heard what a hungover krogan sounds like in the original Tuchankan?

MIRANDA: Wait, how do _you_ know what that sounds like?

JACK: Guards at Purgatory used to turn off the translators whenever they thought the prisoners were getting too chummy. What, you don’t think I--

MIRANDA: Wait. That means--if we’re hearing--somebody must have--oh bloody hell.

JACK: [ _simultaneously_ ]--fucking shitballs.

MIRANDA: EDI? Report.

EDI: _Enhanced Defense Intelligence VI interface was not shut down correctly. Some functionality may be offline._

MIRANDA: Perfect. Just perfect. 

JACK: Fucking fantastic. You’re telling me Little Miss Perfect didn’t have a plan for this one?

MIRANDA: There’s no way to anticipate every possible contingency. They shouldn’t even have been able to do any of this in the first place. And...and if you’re questioning me as a member of this crew…

JACK: That’s funny. The translator’s broken, but I’m still getting the Cerberus cheerleader bullshit loud and clear.

MIRANDA: Shut up and put some clothes on. Well, what you call ‘clothes,’ anyway. We need to find Shepard and the others before the rest of this bloody ship breaks down.

* * *

“Ugh. Right, you can skip the next couple of these. Crew wakes up, realizes they can’t understand each other, Tower of Babel scenario ensues, et cetera. Let’s skip ahead to Shepard’s briefing. The first headway any of us made towards clawing our way out of this fiasco.”

_As you wish, XO Lawson. Calling up the official record._

* * *

_FILE THREE_

_SSV Normandy SR-2_

_Communications Room, 0845 Hours_

[ _General chatter in at least seven languages, untranslatable_.]

SHEPARD: All right, everyone, quiet down. Now, half of you don’t understand a damn word I’m saying, so this might not have much of a point, but we’ll do what we can. Keep your eyes on the vidscreen - EDI’s using whatever processing power she can spare to turn the finer points into pictograms. I hope at least some of you are visual learners.

All right, here’s what we know. At oh-eight-hundred hours this morning, something went wrong with the translators. This was a sophisticated hack - it didn’t just take out the realtime galactic translators, it messed with EDI’s databanks so she can’t provide text translations after the fact, either. Several of the Normandy’s other critical systems seem to have been targeted, as well - the drive core and the Thanix cannon have been experiencing random malfunctions across the board. EDI’s got her hands full keeping the ship running and trying to repair the damage from the hack. We’re not dead in the water, but we’re in far from our best shape right now.

MIRANDA: At this point it’s clear that this was an act of sabotage. Probably something that was planted before we left Omega last night.

JACOB: We’re still working on narrowing down the perpetrator. Probably one of the major Omega gangs - we’ve all put our fair share of bullets into them, and Archangel here has given them plenty of reasons to want some personal revenge. 

GARRUS: [ _PALAVANIAN UNTRANSLATABLE._ ]

JACOB: Come on, don’t look at me like that. You know it’s true. 

SHEPARD: Of course, that doesn’t narrow the field much. The Blue Suns might have the numbers and the funding to pull something like this off....

GARRUS: Ehhh. [ _PALAVANIAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ].

SHEPARD: No idea what that means, but it sounded pretty skeptical, and you spent a couple of years on their most-wanted list, so I’ll assume you know what you’re talking about. What about the Blood Pack, then?

GARRUS: Uh-uh. Blood Pack: _[Imitates computer beeping] [shakes head]. [Imitates krogan roar, smashing noises, gunfire] [nods.]_

GRUNT: Heh, heh, heh.

SHEPARD: Good at the smashy stuff but not so much at the hacking, I read you loud and clear. I guess that leaves Eclipse. Some salarian and asari membership, fond of tech sabotage, and any number of us have pissed them off in the past. Still just a theory, but it makes sense.

MIRANDA: What’s important for the moment, though, isn’t who did this: it’s how they did it. Any idiot could have tried to plant a bomb, but this was a much subtler attack. Something that would be easy to put down to a random shipboard VI malfunction, on any ship but this one. Not trying to destroy the ship outright: trying to slow it down, sow confusion among the crew. I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a ship lurking somewhere in our wake right now, waiting to strike while we’re distracted.

SHEPARD: We’ve been running the numbers. If Eclipse did send a ship after us, it probably wasn’t anything much bigger than a couple of shuttlecraft or a light frigate. Normally, the _Normandy_ could run rings around them. But our drive core’s malfunctioning, we don’t know how much of a head start they have on us, and half of us can’t even understand each other. We’re going to have to operate on the assumption that we’ve got hours left, at best, before we end up in a firefight.

JACK: So we’re fucked. 

SHEPARD: Not necessarily. We’ve all made it through worse than this before - on our own, if not together. But I can’t deny it: things are about to get...complicated.

JACK: Right. Just because _you_ already died once doesn’t mean the rest of us are lining up to give it a try.

SHEPARD: If there is an ambush coming, there’s a lot of work we’ll have to do before it gets here if we want to stand a fighting chance. And the fact of the matter is, we just don’t have enough human crew to get it done on our own, so we’re going to need to get creative and work around the translator problem.  
I’ve been compiling a list of the crew’s language proficiencies. Mordin’s memorized enough English to handle nineteenth-century patter songs, but not enough for anything useful. Tali can manage a little turian, but Garrus makes a face at her whenever she tries, so I’m guessing it’s not great. Thanks to her pilgrimage training, she can say “hello” and “where’s the bathroom” in most other languages, but we can’t really use that for tactics. Chambers took a few semesters of Old High Thessian in college, which gets us absolutely nowhere. 

So...we’ll do what we can. You all have your assignments: we’ll need one team fixing the Thanix Cannon, one team repairing the drive core, one team trying to fix the translator, and the rest of you getting ready for an Eclipse ship to come crash our party. So like I said: get creative. Point at things, draw pictures, do interpretive dance, I don’t care. Work with your team as best you can, get across the information you need to, and be ready for the fight when it catches up with us, because it will. Let’s get to it.

* * *

“And that, more or less, will have been when things truly started to go to hell.”

_Identification: Lawson, Miranda. Direct report to the Illusive Man, concerning the Lazarus Project and the Normandy SR-2 initiative. January 28, 2184._

“Right, well...where to start.

“We still don’t know the identity of the saboteur, or how they managed to hack the translators in the first place. We’ve had more immediate priorities to worry about. But I think we’ve established this much, at least: their plan was a damned effective one. 

“Shepard is...still being Shepard. Trying to rally the crew, to hold everyone to the mark, get us ready for battle. Of course, the actual content of what she’s saying is completely lost on about two thirds of them at the moment, but maybe they’re responding to the confidence in her voice - I suppose that counts for something. 

“Frankly, I think we’ll be lucky if we manage to avoid staging an impromptu reenactment of the First Contact War before the mercenaries catch up with us. The teams are trying to do their jobs, but we’re only a few misunderstandings away at best from the situation devolving into absolute chaos. It’s only been a few hours, and I’ve already had to break up an altercation between Grunt and Mordin in the CIC that was seconds away from turning into an all-out firefight. How they managed to get into such a furious argument without a common language is a mystery to me, but here we are.

“Shepard and I will be making the rounds, trying to keep everyone on task, but I think some...educated concern may be warranted at this point. The crew is a volatile mixture as it is. Many of them still had outstanding personal issues that needed to be resolved to ensure their commitment to the mission. Take away their ability to understand each other and give them a series of complex, interconnected tasks, all with a ticking clock counting down to a firefight…

“We recruited the best. You told me to make sure of that, and I did. But in circumstances like these, I’m afraid that their high levels of skill might just make them an even more volatile combination. Maybe if--”

[ _A loud crash from elsewhere in the ship._ ]

“Oh, lord. I’d better go get that sorted out. Go ahead and delete this one, I’ll compose something less embarrassing later.”

[ _Report deleted._ ]

* * *

_FILE FOUR_

_Normandy SR-2 Engineering_

_1000 hours_

[ _Engineers Daniels, Donnelly, and vas Normandy conduct repairs to the ship’s drive core. XO Lawson enters._ ]

MIRANDA: All right, you three. How’s it coming?

[ _A component malfunctions, throwing off sparks_ ]

TALI: Bosh’tet!

DONNELLY: Oh, it’s all going beautifully.

DANIELS: It’s...an ongoing process. The good news is, all engineers speak the universal language of profanity, so we’re all more or less on the same page here. 

DONNELLY: We were both already getting quite the education in quarian swears before the translators went down.

DANIELS: The bad news is, the problem here isn’t _just_ language. It’s also a culture thing. Tali’s a brilliant engineer, but, well, quarian liveships don’t exactly work the way other ships do. The quarians have been patching them up for generations, using whatever parts they can find. After a while, they have to get...creative. They’re used to taking shortcuts, making weird workarounds...all kinds of non-Cerberus-approved methods.

DONNELLY: Any diagram of one of those places would give any reasonable engineer a heart attack right off.

DANIELS: Normally we can talk these things through and work out a fix that satisfies everyone. But now, well…

[ _Further eruption of sparks._ ]

TALI: Keelah!

DANIELS: ...Now it’s not as easy.

MIRANDA: All right, listen. Our first priority right now is making sure that we have the drive core back to full functionality as soon as possible. We could find ourselves in ship-to-ship combat against unknown assailants at any moment. I’m hereby ordering you to throw the book out of the airlock. 

...not literally, before you get any ideas. But Cerberus regulations aren’t important right now. If the modifications Tali’s suggesting will keep us alive and flying for long enough to fix the rest of this mess, then help her make them.

DANIELS: Yes ma’am. I’m sorry, I didn’t think we’d be allowed to go off-book with this. What with, you know, your being kind of a perfectionist about the regs and all…

MIRANDA: Frankly, “perfection” stopped being an achievable goal for this particular day at about 0800 hours. For now, I’m willing to settle for survival in one piece. Any other problems with communication I should know about?

DANIELS: We all know the design of the ship inside and out, we’ll be fine. Besides, I already have to translate everything this one says out of Scottish and then pervert before I can get usable information out of it. Compared to that, playing a little charades with a quarian should be a breeze.

DONNELLY: Hey, I resent that remark!

DANIELS: Ken, you _resemble_ that remark.

[ _A third eruption of sparks._ ]

DONNELLY: Shit!

TALI: [ _KHELISH UNTRANSLATABLE]_

MIRANDA: Just...just keep at it.

* * *

_FILE FIVE_

_Normandy SR-2 Main Battery_

_1030 hours_

[ _Zaeed Massani and Garrus Vakarian are in the main battery. Garrus is engaged with the calibration interface of the Thanix Cannon, while Zaeed is studying a text on his Omni-Tool. Commander Shepard_ _enters._ ]

ZAEED: Loquar, loquaris, loquatur, loquamur, loquamini, loquantur...all right, now the hortatory subjunctive. Hortatory.What the hell is that?

SHEPARD: Uh, Garrus, Zaeed, how’s it going?

GARRUS: [ _PALAVANIAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ].

ZAEED: Oh, it’s a walk in the goddamn park, that’s what it is. Bright side, I’ve memorized one sentence of turian lingo by now. Pretty sure it means ‘can it wait for a bit? I’m in the middle of some calibrations.’

SHEPARD: No one said this was going to be easy. What’s the status of the cannon?

ZAEED: I think we’ve just about got it firing again. But of course Tall, Dark, and Spikey here isn’t satisfied. Keeps insisting on taking the goddamn thing apart and putting it back together again. Dunno what he’s not happy with - not like I can ask him right now. It’s all a waste of time, if you ask me. It’s a giant goddamn gun - you point it at a problem and hit the firing mechanism, and the problem vaporizes. What’s so complicated about that?

GARRUS: Ugh, Zaeed…

[ _Shepard examines the Thanix Cannon’s interface._ ]

SHEPARD: Is _that_ how you had it set? If you fired this thing the way it is now, the recoil would’ve ripped the ship in half.

ZAEED: Right. Well. He’s still being a bastard about it. Listen to him grumbling under his breath. Probably something about how I just don’t understand the _art_ of it - don’t need the translators to piece that one together.

SHEPARD: I’m sure this is aggravating. But Garrus is the leading expert on precision around here. Get the cannon calibrated to his specifications, as far as you’re capable of understanding them at the moment.

ZAEED: Feh. Fine. But if the goddamn thing’s still in thirty pieces on the floor when Eclipse comes to call, don’t say I didn’t warn you. Anything else, Shepard?

SHEPARD: Sorry, I just--was that _Latin_ you were speaking earlier?

ZAEED: Right. See, I had this theory. Turian names, they sound all Roman, don’t they? Dunno why. Victus, Sparatus, Nihilus, Tarquin, all that. Like names for - whadda you call ‘em - gladiators. Figured that might mean Garrus here would recognize a bit of Latin - maybe not perfect, but good enough to get the job done. There’s just one problem.

SHEPARD: And what’s that.

ZAEED: It’s an impossible goddamn language, that’s what. Who needs all those verb endings? No wonder they all went extinct. 

SHEPARD: [ _sighs_ ] Carry on, you two. Just make sure that when that Eclipse ship shows up, we’re ready to blow it out of the sky. Without blowing ourselves up in the process.

ZAEED: Commander, it’ll be my pleasure. Me and the hardass turian both. And hey, if and when this thing goes south - 

[ _he consults his Omni-Tool again._ ]

ZAEED: Uh… ‘Ave, Imperator, mortiuri te salutamus.’ Means “best wishes from all us poor about-to-be-dead bastards.” Something like that, anyway.

SHEPARD: Come on, Massani. I’ve seen Garrus here take a rocket to the face, and I’ve seen you drop half a burning building on yourself. If the two of you have one thing in common, it’s that you’re both too stubborn to die.

GARRUS: [ _PALAVANIAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

ZAEED: Might just be something to that. All right, turian, show me how you want the goddamn gun again.

* * *

_FILE SIX_

_NORMANDY SR-2 LABORATORY_

_1100 HOURS_

[ _Commander Shepard, Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau, and Professor Mordin Solus confer over a display of several holoscreens of data. XO Miranda Lawson enters._ ]

MORDIN: [ _SUR'KESHI UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

MIRANDA: Amazing. Somehow, he talks even faster without the translator in the way.

SHEPARD: Right? I wouldn't have thought it was even possible, but…

MIRANDA: Have we been getting any workable progress out of it?

SHEPARD: Yes and no. The good news is, the translator's repairable...eventually. But rebooting and reprogramming it is going to take time.

JOKER: Time we probably don't have before our friendly local hackers drop by to borrow a cup of space sugar.

SHEPARD: Right. So, we're...trying to explore alternatives. We're going to get EDI to rig up a battle plan with some simple graphics, but that's not going to be enough to help with moment-to-moment tactical decisions. We thought about trying to give all the alien crew members a crash course in fifty or so important words in English…

JOKER: ...and then the professor started making noises about physiology. Took us a while to figure it out, but he's got a point. Turians don't even really have _lips_ , you know. We call their planet Palaven, but how's Garrus even gonna make a P sound with a beak? You ever think about this stuff?

MIRANDA: Before today? Not much. Now? Constantly.

SHEPARD: And we're still not sure if we'll have a working Thanix cannon by the time Eclipse shows up, either. I love Garrus, but he can get...particular. Even more so when there's no one to argue with him. 

MIRANDA: So what's the bottom line here?

SHEPARD: Bottom line? We fight in the dark if we have to, and we don't let a bunch of jumped-up mercenaries and their fancy tech take over the Normandy. Everyone in this crew has come back from worse situations - if we have to, we can do it again.

MIRANDA: Grit and determination, then? The old ooh-rah spirit? All very well if you're Commander bloody Shepard, but the rest of us do still need something resembling a plan.

SHEPARD: Miranda, I know this is...a strange situation. But we're all doing what we can here.

MIRANDA: Right. You keep doing that, then. I'll be in my office.

* * *

_Identification: Lawson, Miranda. Direct report to the Illusive Man, concerning the Lazarus Project and the Normandy SR-2 initiative, January 29, 2184._

"I'm afraid that matters have progressed more or less as badly as I predicted. Losing the ability to communicate has spread chaos across the ship, and the crew has made little progress toward repairing the damaged systems or preparing to meet the Eclipse ambush. Given the sheer amount of raw combat ability we have on board, we'll give the mercenaries a proper fight when they arrive, but as of right now, I'd say that the outcome is...very much in doubt.

"If it appears the situation isn't salvageable, Jacob and I will recover all the crucial assets and intel we can and take a shuttlecraft back to Cronos Station. Of course, I'd prefer that it didn't come to this, and I know you wouldn't either, but I have to acknowledge the realities of the situation.

"You know that I'm not fond of admitting I was wrong. And in this case, well...I took a risk. I know plenty of others within Cerberus were skeptical about bringing so many outsiders onto the Normandy project, let alone so many aliens. But you insisted that Shepard needed the best, and that meant the best, regardless of what organizations or planets they hailed from. I defended that vision - I fought for it when no one else would - but even I knew from the beginning that it was a risk, and one that could backfire badly.

"After all, we were bringing together soldiers, scientists, spies and killers from across the galaxy. A true collection of misfits if ever there was one. And we were relying on not much more than Shepard's natural leadership qualities to bind them all together. 

"I'd hoped that the fires of conflict would be enough to forge these misfits into a crew. But under these circumstances, it seems as likely that we'll just burn. If the project fails here and now, I just want to make it clear that I personally--"

[ _The door cycles open._ ]

JACK: Cheerleader, what the FUCK are you talking about.

MIRANDA: [ _sighs_ ] Pause recording. Jack, I'm really starting to regret giving you access to this office.

JACK: You didn't regret it last night. But now that I can stroll in here and yell at you for being a fucking idiot, yeah, I guess I can see your point.

MIRANDA: Jack, if you think for one second--

JACK: So yeah, in case that wasn't clear enough the first time: you're being a fucking idiot. You're the Cerberus cheerleader, remember? So why the hell aren't you out there cheerleading, instead of hiding in here writing in your diary about how it's all gonna go to shit?

MIRANDA: I'm trying to make an objective assessment of the situation. The crew is almost totally failing to cooperate, and who knows how much time we have left to--

JACK: Do you give up on all your little projects as soon as you get a bloody nose? No, fuck that. You're way more stubborn and annoying than that, and we both know it.

MIRANDA: Jack, I...I don't know what to do here.

JACK: Listen, I read all your little dossiers. Condition of my coming on board, remember? And the one thing they all had in common was how they wouldn't shut up about everyone on this crew being the best. The salarian's the best at mad science, the quarian's the best at fixing shit, I'm the best at blowing shit up with my mind, whatever. Did you mean that?

MIRANDA: Of course I meant it.

JACK: Really? Kind of hard to see that from where I'm standing. The way you're acting, the rest of us are just a bunch of hired guns - and one guilty pleasure booty call - that you're ready to ditch as soon as the going gets tough. Is that all this was for? 

MIRANDA: No, Jack, it wasn't.

JACK: All right, then. If any of that "best in the galaxy" shit was more than fancy PR to get Daddy Cerberus to sign off on this project, if you actually think putting together this flying freakshow was worth it, then now's the time to prove it. And all you need to do is stand the fuck back and let us do our jobs.

MIRANDA: ...All right. How are you going to do that? You still can't communicate with any of the alien crew.

JACK: Can't I? Watch me. Where's Grunt?

MIRANDA: Down in the cargo bay, last I heard.

JACK: All right, then. You and I are going for a walk. If I can turn this thing around by the time the mercs get here, you owe me twenty credits.

MIRANDA: And if you can't?

JACK: Then, Cheerleader, we're all fuckin' dead and you get to keep your money. Come on.

* * *

_FILE 8_

_Normandy SR-2 Cargo Bay_

_1130 Hours_

GRUNT: [ _DIASPORA TUCHANKAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

MIRANDA: All right, Jack. I won't deny that Grunt could be a valuable asset in better circumstances - he wasn't my first choice for this crew, but he's proven himself admirably. But how are you going to get through to him now? 

JACK: Oh, Krogan aren't so hard to figure out. You just have to know how to speak the language.

[ _thud._ ]

MIRANDA: ...and she's headbutted the krogan. Oh, Lord.

[ _A pause._ ]

GRUNT: [ _Uproarious laughter_ ]

JACK: There, see? That got his attention. [ _winces_ ] oh FUCK am I going to have a headache tomorrow.

MIRANDA: Provided we live long enough to see it.

JACK: Yeah, yeah, working on that part. Okay, Grunt, maybe you don't get what I'm saying. But if your dossier's anything to go by, you had all kinds of strategies and tactics shit programmed into your brain by Warlord What's His Nuts. When it comes to the fine art of tearing shit up, you and I still have plenty of common ground.

So let's work something out. Eclipse - yeah, you understood THAT part, the sneaky fucks who scrambled EDI's brains - they're gonna be landing on our doorstep any minute now. What are we gonna do about it?

GRUNT: [ _DIASPORA TUCHANKAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

JACK: Yeah, that sounds about right. Okay, let's see.

[ _Jack rummages through a pile of equipment._ ]

JACK: Okay, gonna have to resort to a little arts and crafts here. Say these old thermal clips are us on the crew, and these self-sealing stembolts are the Eclipse mercs. If they get aboard, they'll probably be coming through the shuttlebay, so we're gonna want to take up positions here, here, and here, right?

GRUNT: [ _Affirmative sound._ ]

JACK: Yeah, you get me. Put the turian up here for some sniper coverage - oh, no, you're right, over there's better. Rest of us flanking from this side and over there. Might be enough, but if they brought enough guys, might not. 

GRUNT: [ _DIASPORA TUCHANKAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

JACK: What? I don't - oh, I get it, you're pointing at all the techy shit. Yeah, good call. They're gonna be bringing tech armor, drones, maybe a couple mechs if we're unlucky. Be nice if we could get the quarian to rig up some kind of EMP to knock it all out, but she's busy fixing the engine, and besides, that might be more than we can get across by waving our hands and making funny noises. So what do we do instead?

MIRANDA: All right, I'll admit it: you're making more progress than I thought. But I still don't know if you'll be able to get across--

GRUNT: [ _DIASPORA TUCHANKAN UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

[ _A clattering sound._ ]

JACK: What, knocking all their guys over? Yeah, that's what we wanna do, how do we actually do it?

\--Slow the fuck down, I have no idea what you're trying to....head. Headbutt 'em. Teeth...no, mouth, punch 'em in the mouth. I mean that’s always fun, but I don’t…

MIRANDA: Jack. Thank you for trying, truly. But a game of charades is only going to take us so far. We're talking about a complex series of tactics here--

JACK: _Talking._ Oh fuck, that's it. Grunt, you're a genius.

MIRANDA: Did you really just say that sentence out loud? And _mean_ it?

JACK: You're damn right I did. My krogan buddy here just found us a way to get out of this mess, while the rest of us were still running around like a nest of drunken pyjaks. Where's the salarian?

MIRANDA: Last I heard, still up in the labs, trying to reprogram the translators.

JACK: Perfect. Come on, we need to find him and Shepard. We've got work to do.

* * *

_FILE NINE_

_SSV Normandy SR-2 Laboratory_

_1145 Hours_

SHEPARD: Hang on. What are you suggesting, exactly?

JACK: What I'm suggesting is that Eclipse has two things in common with Miranda over here: they like fancy tech, and they like hiring a bunch of fucking aliens.

MIRANDA: Humans, salarians, and asari, primarily. Jack explained this to me on the way - it's a rather elegant solution, actually. 

JACK: They busted our translators? We're gonna bust theirs right back. However much of a mess we've been, I guarantee you they're way less prepared to deal with this shit than we are.

SHEPARD: ...Huh. It could work. Mordin and EDI know the hack they used inside and out by now. If they could figure out a way to make a few modifications…

MIRANDA: With an intelligence as powerful as EDI aboard, I think we can manage it. By the time the mercenaries land, they'll be far more disoriented than our crew ever was. 

JACK: And they're still gonna be expecting us to be running around bouncing off the walls and setting each other on fire. But thanks to the battle plans Grunt and I drew up, they won't know what hit them.

GRUNT: Heh, heh, heh.

SHEPARD: ...Huh. Good work, you three. This is still going to be dicey, but it's looking like the best chance we've had all day. Mordin, I don't know how much of that you were picking up, but do you think we'll be able to modify the translator hack and redeploy it against them?

MORDIN: [ _SUR’KESHI UNTRANSLATABLE_ ]

SHEPARD: ....well, the tone sounds positive. I'm going to take that as a tentative yes.

[ _Flight Lieutenant Moreau enters._ ]

JOKER: Uh, Commander? Whatever you're working on, you might want to get it done in a hurry. Looks like there's an older-model frigate on our tail, right on schedule.

SHEPARD: All right. Mordin and I will help EDI get the hack put together. The rest of you, get down to the shuttle bay and take up your positions. We might just make it through this day yet.

* * *

_FILE TEN_

_SSV Normandy SR-2 Shuttle Bay_

_1230 Hours_

MIRANDA: What's the word?...Roger that, Shepard, I'll tell them.

Right. Apparently Garrus and Zaeed managed to stop their cross-cultural bickering long enough to calibrate the Thanix cannon. The Eclipse frigate has been damaged, but we've got two shuttlecraft inbound at close range. Garrus is retrieving his sniper rifle from the armory and getting into position now; the rest of the team are all in their places.

JACK: I dunno about you, but it looks to me like I'm about to be twenty credits richer.

MIRANDA: Don't jinx it...but just between us, I expect you're right. Jack, I have to admit it. I...I was…

JACK: Are you actually gonna say you were wrong? Come on, do it, in those exact words. I wanna see if it makes your head explode.

MIRANDA: I'm trying to be gracious here, and we might all be dead in a minute. Do you still have to torture me like this?

JACK: Sorry, Cheerleader. You make it too much fun.

MIRANDA: All right, fine, yes, I was wrong. I let this misadventure make me lose confidence in the crew. Assumed you'd all fall apart under sufficient stress. That dismissiveness was....unworthy of me. Of all of you. You've proven yourself to be far more capable than I could have imagined.

JACK: You know, the damn translators are still broken, and maybe my corporate-ese is a little rustier than I thought. That mean anything like "thank you?"

MIRANDA: ...Something like it, I suppose.

JACK: Huh. Well, it's a start.

[ _A loud impact. The shuttle bay shakes from the force._ ]

MIRANDA: Want to go kill some mercenaries?

JACK: You're speaking my language.

_Epilogue_

_Identification: Lawson, Miranda. Direct report to the Illusive Man, concerning the Lazarus Project and the Normandy SR-2 initiative, January 29, 2184._

[ _pause_.]

"You’ve often told me not to mince words, so I’ll be candid. Today, the Normandy narrowly escaped destruction at the hands of an unusually resourceful band of Eclipse mercenaries. They disabled the translation matrix to sow confusion among the crew, and tracked the ship from Omega, aiming to kill or capture everyone aboard. We came very close to losing everything we’ve been working for.

"However, I’m pleased to report that the crew exhibited remarkable cooperation, ingenuity and grit in the face of this crisis. Without exception. Frankly, they fared much better than I ever could have predicted. Their individual psych profiles, and every projection I put together, made it seem inevitable that when deprived of easy communication with each other, they would quickly splinter into factions and pursue their own agendas. Without Shepard to keep them in line, old grudges would reignite, conflict would break out, and the mission would fail.

"They’ve proved me wrong. Exhibited a level of interspecies cohesion that I don’t think any of us so much as dreamed was possible. The battle was resolved with no casualties on our side. We’re currently tracing the employer of the Eclipse mercenaries responsible for this incident. With normal communication restored and EDI back online, we’re confident that we’ll soon be able to find the party responsible for this sabotage and ensure they get what’s coming to them. 

"In light of this, and the after-action report you’ll find attached, I have some recommendations to make. Firstly, the alien members of this crew - Garrus Vakarian, Tali’Zorah, Mordin Solus, and Grunt - should all receive commendations for their extraordinary service today. As should Subject Zero. Secondly, we should take a second look at the restrictions we’ve placed on EDI. They made her vulnerable to this kind of sabotage - but if they were removed, today’s events prove that she could be an even more invaluable resource for this crew. Finally, I recommend that the Normandy’s next destination be Ilium. Recruiting the asari justicar mentioned in my dossier would be a wise tactical move - having access to her telepathic abilities could help prevent this sort of incident from occurring again.

"Make no mistake, the trip through the Omega-4 Relay still has every probability of being a suicide mission. However, I can state with renewed confidence that the people taking that mission on are the best-qualified candidates for the job. When they face the threat of the Collectors, they’ll do so not as a collection of talented but volatile individuals. They’ll be, in every sense, a crew. And that gives us the best shot at this we can hope for.

[ _The door cycles open._ ]

JACK: Who you talking to, cheerleader? Hey, that the Illusive Fuckface? Okay, listen up, you slimy bastard. Thought you were gonna get to sit back and watch us crash and burn? Well, I got something you can translate. Suck my entire--

MIRANDA: [ _sigh_ ] God damn it.

_Report deleted._

THE END

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> themerrygentleman: It's been a delight working on this fic with djapchan and silkylustre! I've always wanted to do a fic wherein the Normandy's translators break down and hilarity ensues, but writing it for an audio medium for pod_together was a perfect opportunity to let the comedic potential really shine through. I hope you have as much fun reading and listening as we did creating it!
> 
> Silky: I rasped, I garbled, I roared, and sometimes I also read some lines. And I had so much fun doing it! Thank you, Djap and Merry, for this amazing collaboration! Thank you, Merry, for writing this beautiful fic and being so perfect in imitating the characters that your podficcers insisted you record them! Djap, thank you for being fantastic to record and brainstorm with and to talk to, and for doing ALL of the editing and thus saving my bacon (note the pig metaphor? I am so grateful for those delightful pigs violently disagreeing with each other).
> 
> Djap: This was extremely fun - meeting new people, getting the chance to gush about fandom and creating a completely new piece to share with the rest of the world, was wonderful! Going crazy with editing this piece was lots of fun - thank you for trusting me to work this out! Also thanks for both of you for helping a pod_together newbie along and for everybody including everybody else in all the processes! <3


End file.
